Well, here I am 5 and 1/2 years later and I don't even know who the person was writing that last blog entry. She is gone. Lost. The happiness that once filled my heart, that I thought would never end, now feels like an unattainable high I will never again achieve. I had it all...everything I had been working for, for so long. I finished my pharmacy degree. Chris and I had gotten married and had the most amazing wedding and honeymoon. We both had wonderful jobs, were living in a luxury apartment in Towson. We wanted for nothing. This is the part where you say all right you lucky bitch what's your point? In the matter of 10 horrific days in December 2014 my life changed forever. I have not yet decided if and when I am going to share what I have written about the details of those events on this blog but I am certain of one thing, I want my journey to start off with a positive, uplifting tone, so that story is for another day. I am currently enjoying a gorgeous night in Chicago on a rooftop bar after a 12 hour drive from Jersey. My cousin Steve got married last night to a beautiful person inside and out and I
had the most amazing time celebrating him and Jessica with my family. First wedding I ever attended soberly. Knowing full well the drive I had ahead of me I did not want to start my trip hungover. So I woke up nice and early and hit the road and honestly it went by super quick. I had no issues. I did however wish my car had a bigger gas tank! I had to get gas three separate times with my little tank, that seems a bit excessive. The hostel that i am staying at is very nice and in a prime location. It is pretty pricey for a hostel and reminds quite a bit of my freshman year dorm, Osol hall, I have a separate bedroom but there is a shared kitchen, bathroom, and "common area". I haven't met any of my "roommates" yet...
So some of you may be wondering, why am I doing this? Why would I leave a job where I make 6 figures a year? People have asked me if I am mentally stable? Am I thinking of taking my life? The answer to that is no, absolutely not! I am trying to regain it! I have lost my happiness and I am in search of it. But that raises a bigger question, what is the key to ultimate happiness? Was my ultimate happiness wrapped up in someone else? Without that person I am nothing, well that's pretty sad. Don't get me wrong I loved Chris dearly but did I love myself first and foremost? Does anyone put themselves first? It's hard to do. Could I find ultimate happiness in my career? I worked so hard to become a pharmacist I think I could be happy as a career woman. So where is the dream job to bring me happiness? Since Chris's passing I have been unable to regain that happiness I once had, despite my best efforts, so I am going to seek it. I have gotten stronger these past two years both physically and mentally to prepare myself for this trip, which emotionally I never would have survived intially. My hope is that somewhere in my journey I find happiness for myself in life, love, and career. More so than that I hope to find out what makes other people happy. I want to see if other people I come across along the way know the secret to happiness or are just as confused as I seem to be.
Song of the day: "Never Ending Summer" Pepper
Everyday I am going to chose a song to go along with my photo and blog to express how I am feeling that day. It may incorporate where I am in my journey or coordinate more with my mood. I will add it to my Spotify playlist Ashley's Adventure. The reason for this is simple, music says a lot without saying much. I lost my musical soulmate. I always loved music but Chris showed me a love and appreciation for music that is hard to replicate. Since his passing I haven't gone to has many concerts, listened to as many records, heard as many new artists, the list goes on. I am going to attempt to bring his love of music into this blog. I will chose new songs, old songs, corny songs, but mostly songs that mean something to me. I chose this song for a couple different reasons. I started the summer off going to Firefly for the 3rd year in a row and Pepper was there, who I haven't seen perform since high school. They have a new album Ohana and this song Never Ending Summer is on it. My trip is my never ending summer, no work in site...Pepper are Hawaii natives, if anyone knows the meaning of a never ending summer it's these three. So despite the fact the next two weeks I will be hiking in the snow in Yellowstone and Glacier; the never ending summer, my road to Hanna, awaits me. Also, the song discusses new beginnings and getting through a troubled past with a new love. It's hopeful. "Here's to new days and new starts." And that's what this is all about. So there you have it guys, "Aro wooooooo!!" (That's my wolf howl haha)
2 comments:
What an adventure for you...good luck and I hope you find what you are looking for!
A wonderful post, Ashley! Thank you for opening up your soul and sharing it! I will share with you a little of my history of happiness and sadness and where I find myself today. In the interview I had recently that will never air I talked about the happiness that Chris brought to my life, the highs of your engagement party, your wedding, seeing him perform at CBGB's, going to All Points West with the two of you, skiing with him, and countless other occasions. The interviewer then asked me if I would ever achieve that level of happiness again. I told him that I cannot predict the future but I am an optimistic person, not a Pollyanna with rose colored glasses but I get up every morning glad to be alive, not being able to understand all that happened but understanding that life, with all its pain and imperfections, is beautiful.
When I was 7 years old I came to America with my Mom and my brother, not knowing if we would ever see my father again. I was an angry and troubled boy. When we were reunited with my father in Thanksgiving 5 years later it was one of the happiest moments of my life. 9 years later, again near Thanksgiving, my father went into a coma after what was supposed to be routine surgery but was marred by medical error. He would never recover. That was the most profound pain I had ever felt and never imagined that anything could match that loss. When he died 2 1/1 years later it was a relief that he was no longer suffering. Then I started to experience boundless joy, getting married, becoming a father to both a boy and a girl. I shared the boundless joy you talked about.
So now, even as gray colors my soul, I smile every day. I am compassionate toward others. I am happy that Samantha is doing so well and that we have grown closer together. I am grateful for your friendship and happy that we have been able to grow emotionally together. I don't know what the future holds in store but my heart is open.
Life is worth living. Never give up.
Keep writing!
Love you!
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